Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
