Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
