Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
