yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
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The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
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My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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