I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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