Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
