Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
