Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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