saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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