i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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