I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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