Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
