last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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