ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
