does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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