So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
