hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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