I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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