So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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