he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
