I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
