Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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