im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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