and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I intend to get homeless drunk
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
