a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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