i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
