All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
