omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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