He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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