Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
