last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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