The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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