After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
