Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
