Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
