I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
