i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
