Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
