Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The uberlube is also flammable
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
