whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
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Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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