just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
as a side note pls kill me
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
