I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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