i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
