woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Randomize
