My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
