Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
