Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
