We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
