But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I have demons in me.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
