i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
