the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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