I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
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just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
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So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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