I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
