you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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